To be perfectly honest, I am not always honest. With myself. With others. With God.
This morning, though, I will try to be transparent. Try to let the dirty and the lovely shine through the same window pane. I am, after all, a mosaic of God’s making.
I am here in Texas for the next two weeks for a dear friend’s wedding. I couldn’t be more thrilled for her and for the happy ending that God is writing in this chapter of her life. We’ve trusted and beseeched God for the amazing man that she is marrying on October 20. But, she is not the entire reason that I’m here. No, not even close.
I’m here to get pregnant.
There. I’ve said it. Written it down. Watched the way the words look on the page. Spoken aloud what is hidden in my heart. Let the sound of it roll around and stay put.
Life – and specifically my emotions – feel very surreal right now. I’m so torn. I long to retreat into privacy. But, I can’t. I want to come alive with joy this month, more aware of the beating of hope’s heavenly rhythm. I must come alive. If the next two weeks of doctor’s visits and daily hormone injections are going to have the desired effect, then I want to be ready. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually.
For a positive pregnancy test.
For the last two and a half years, David and I have let some into this journey. Some knew we were trying and hitting physical walls in my body. It just wouldn’t cooperate. Thanks to extensive medical testing, we have some answers now. Some, but not many. This month, that doesn’t matter. This month could be the month. Somehow, I need you to know.
I’m terrified to post this morning. However, I’ve been making excuses for this trip for long enough. If you care enough to read my blog, then I ask for your prayers. Pray for a miracle. Pray that I’m all here emotionally and physically. Pray that I trust.
“By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.”
You framed the skies with the word of Your mouth. You spoke the flowers, the mountains, the rivers, the oceans into being. You can speak LIFE into death.
Many of us have dead areas in our hearts and bodies. In perfect transparency we confess that we are not capable of these miracle, these necessary resurrections. Only You. Only You can take what is not visible and create something new. Only You create children. Only You create true romance. Only You create passion.
Sing life over Your people. Sing hope over our pasts. Sing redemption over our brokenness.
Last month You clearly spoke to me and reminded me that the “answers” are not what bring healing. No, rather YOU bring healing – and desire to do so before the answers are apparent or known.
I trust You for that complete healing. Answers or not. Resolution or not.
You are good.
Frame me and my unborn, yet-to-be-conceived child by the Word of Your mouth. Sing the sounds of Heaven over me.