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What a wonderful night of sleep…in the midst of my colorful fantasy land two tests came up “pregnant.” One even blinked the word at me in some ethereal code of congratulations. I was surrounded by family and friends to tell and surprise. It was beautiful.

~~~

Sitting on the bathroom floor, however, my miracle lasted only as long as my body was curled in covers. The cold harshness of early morning broke the spell.

It’s not to be. Not yet anyway. I’m not pregnant.

Blood tests on Monday will confirm what the bleeding and cramping on Friday and now Saturday is telling me. As the blood flows heavier and darker and the home pregnancy tests stay blank, reality hits. God has said, “Not now.”

~~~

Yesterday, as the spotting began, I prayed in desperation. Cried out to a God who hears and answers. I told my body to fight. Urged the little one that I imagined inside of me to fight for life. Those specific prayers seem to have been to no avail.

Oh, I hurt. In a deep, inexplicable way. Even as I try to type, my body rocks back and forth in some sort of dirge. Tears flow unchecked from eyes that may soon be bloodshot and swollen.

~~~

A patchwork of scripture verses crisscross through my heart. Many from Isaiah. Many from the Psalms.

“When the Enemy comes in like a flood, the Lord will raise up a banner.”

“Blessed is the man whose trust is in the Lord.”

“By My stripes you are healed. I was wounded for your transgressions. The chastisement of your peace was upon Me.” 

“Are you not more important to Me than many sparrows? Your Heavenly Father knows what you need.” 

Somehow, I know these are all true, and I can honestly say that right now I still trust God. I didn’t want to be tested this way, but I will not turn my face from my Redeemer. I love Him more than I love anything else in this world.

But, oh, I hurt. Deep. Where no balm is to be found. Where tears almost don’t flow. Where the pain resonates and is magnified by the sheer power of the desire that first fueled the dream.

~~~

The next steps are all fuzzy. In a perfect world, someone steps forward to finance the incredibly expensive steps of IVF or even another IUI attempt with a doctor here in Colorado. Otherwise, it will be months before I can afford another trip to Houston where my medical care is cheaper, but the time off work is expensive and hard to come by as a teacher.

In the most perfect world, God just heals.

I don’t know why He says, “Not now” sometimes. Many times it seems. But, I will trust even now in the “not now.”

Please pray for David and I. Thank you for those who have walked this journey with us for nearly 2.5 years. We love you guys.

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