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“Biblical passion is a mysterious mixture of humility, supernatural hunger, and faith. I pursue because I have been pursued. Lethargy must not be found in me. And if the average Christian life around me falls short of the biblical standard, I must pursue against the grain. If people are not being healed, I will not supply a rationale so that all those around me remain comfortable with the void.” ~Bill Johnson in A Life of Miracles

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What does this mean? How do I wrap my heart around the message of power when I feel that God has continually said “No” to my heart’s desire. The healing felt so close last month. Several weeks of believing that I was pregnant, ending – once again – in grief.

I don’t want to come off as bitter this morning. Because, honestly, I’m not. I’m discouraged, but not angry. I wonder if this miracle will ever be mine. I stifle tears that threaten to spill over. But, I’m not mad at the Holy One. I just question.

I feel as though I fall short. In faith. In hope. In passion.

I think I’ve become more content with the average Christian life in past years because there are far fewer chances to grieve the lack of the miraculous. You just come to expect it.

I wish that my heart could overlook my unexplained infertility and just rest in the One who holds me. However, I believe we are all given battles that refuse to be settled on the sidelines. These battles shape us. Mold us. Change us. Shake up everything that was content with mediocrity. These battles don’t have a pause button. These battles are not of our choosing.

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“Jesus healed everyone who came to Him (Matt. 8:16). To accept any other standard is to bring the Bible down to our level of experience, and deny the nature of the One who changes not.” ~Bill Johnson in A Life of Miracles 

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How do I reconcile Jesus’ ministry with the precedents laid down by many of the great men and women of faith? Many of them never saw their prayers answered…at least not quickly. Many of them died waiting on God’s healing. Many of them suffered barrenness, sickness, sword.

While one day we will understand and while one day the grievances of this life will fade into insignificance in comparison with His glorious riches, I’m in a quandary. I yearn to believe and pray for healing, but my hope is crippled. Not just for my own healing, but for others.

Who am I to pray for healing when I’ve lost my assurance in the miraculous? I don’t pray knowing God will answer, but rather hoping He will. I think my paradigm is all wrong, but what is the key to releasing my spirit to soar with Him?

For the past two weeks, I have experienced the love of God in a way that I’ve not been able to testify to for years. He held me, carried me…somehow lifted me up and over the trials so that I could get through. It was supernatural, and I knew it. I want to remain in that state of peace and rest. I want to stop caring about the answer so much, and rather start trusting Him for the future – all of it.

I’m going to pursue the power of God. I’m going to pursue the miraculous. I’m going to pursue peace and rest, supernaturally trusting in Him. Still I question. Still I hurt. Still I fall short. Still I’m ashamed of my humanity. I’m ashamed of my narrow-minded focus on self.

I’m out of strength and the battle is raging.

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