A walk around neighborhood gravel paths. A set of simple questions. And I am undone. Depressed by my lack of answers. Discouraged by my lack of hope.
The inflection in David’s voice is nothing but loving as he asks me, “How are you doing? What is God teaching you right now?”
Praise God for a man who keeps me accountable, but goodness knows that I hate these questions right now. I don’t like unknowns. And. I. Don’t. Know.
“I don’t know what God is teaching me, and I’m not doing well – deep down – when I really stop to ponder.”
I’ve had a week now to consider his queries, and now I’m stuck in bed with a fever as I examine answers born out of honesty and brokenness. Perhaps it is good that I can’t keep up my normal schedule this weekend, since I came home from school on Friday and went straight to bed (after a hefty dose of Nyquil). Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m already scheming about how much I can still get done and cross off my to-do list over the next 48 hours. Rest clearly doesn’t come naturally to me. However, it is only appropriate to first pause and reflect. Perhaps you need to join me, despite your to-do lists and plentiful distractions this weekend.
“How are YOU doing – really doing? What is God teaching you – deep down – in those places that we like to ignore?”
The wind howls around my bedroom window, a peculiar characteristic of Colorado weather fluctuations, while the Holy Spirit envelops my heart. I may not know what God is doing, but I do not waver from my previous stance: God is Good. Always. Forever. All of the Time.
I am not worthy to question the Holy One. I have done nothing that elevates my status to adviser of God. Yet, I’ve tried to assume those roles. Who am I? Certainly not wise. Certainly not strong. Certainly not all-knowing.
Still, He calls me daughter. Still, He sings love songs over my soul. It matters not that I ignore Him much of the time. It matters not that I’m scared and weary of doing good. Still, He is faithful. Still, He is good. Still, He is wise. Always. Forever. All of the Time.
What areas of your life cause you to question? What places in your heart resist the wisdom of God? What howls around your placid lifestyle, causing unrest and fear?
I pray nothing. I pray that you are in a season of rest and trust. If so, then savor this time as a beautiful gift and do not walk in guilt for the sweetness you are tasting. But, I know better. I know that many of us are just masters at hiding the hurts and disappointments. I know that many of my students come from broken and breaking homes. I know that many of our friends have been abused in some way. I know that many of our loved ones are sick and getting sicker.
I know that this Christmas season often unearths more harsh memories than candy-coated ones.
Throw yourself – howling if necessary – into the lap of our Abba Father. Trust Him with the unknowns and the “I-don’t-cares.” Trust Him with the beautiful and the ugly. He has proven Himself faithful. Over and over again. Always. Forever. All of the time.