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So, yes, the room is spinning. Not always. Not enough for me to prepare for the mind-altering state of standing-up or moving suddenly, but often enough to leave me leery of any quick movements. You, see, I’ve already hit the floor once during this pregnancy due to unexpected lightheadedness. Now, I try to take my time. Assess my equilibrium. Move more slowly in the morning out of bed and into my routine.

It is just one of many symptoms for which I am becoming accustomed.

And, I’m okay with that.
I am becoming familiar with constant nausea (whoever named it “MORNING sickness” must have had a light case). I am becoming familiar with my diet of crackers, bread, seltzer water, and chicken noodle soup. I am now prepared for the fact that by the time I have actually fixed a food dish, it will probably no longer be appetizing.

And, I’m okay with that.

Actually, I am more than okay with that. I am over-the-moon excited. I am thrilled. My prayer journal is full of prayers of awe and thanksgiving. This baby is a gift that I have prayed for and longed for, and now struggle to believe has actually been given. And then I want to barf. And, I remember. Oh, yeah, I’m pregnant.

This Friday marked 8 weeks pregnant – a milestone that I never quite imagined. Honestly, I still identify more with infertility than I do with pregnancy. I know I should start talking to Baby Hasz, but my connection seems so tenuous. I know I should start reading to the baby. I even ordered “Goodnight Moon” from Barnes & Noble, but have yet to achieve the courage to open the package.

Why? Well, for the past three and a half years, I’ve been the walking wounded. I’ve loved children not my own, while hoping each month to find out that I was pregnant. I’ve devoted my professional life to helping other little ones succeed, while my attempts at starting a family met with failure. Now…I still hurt. The cut may be closing, but the scar damage is monumental.

Why do I tell you this? Why do I share? Honesty. Reality. This story that I’ve chosen to unmask. Remember several weeks ago, when I wrote about taking down the facade? Well, this would be part of that facade if I didn’t admit that my heart still hurts, is still afraid, still arrives at ultrasound appointments unsure of whether or not the tech will find anything with her magic wand.

Then I see the baby’s heart beating.

Beating steadily.

Beating quickly.

Beating over and over again.

Beating in a symphony of “Hallelujahs” and “He has done this.”

Beating in a reminder of promises fulfilled.

Beating to remind this new mama that she truly carries a baby.

A baby.

With a beating heart.

Friends, while your journey probably doesn’t resemble mine in the least right now, still I know there are facades and dreams you dare not share with others for fear of responses, for fear of vulnerability, for fear of your own responsibilities. I dare you. Share them.

In the meantime, my traditional “Week 8” Pregnancy Update…

~~~ wk8_lg

Baby is growing like mad, putting on about a millimeter every day and continuing to straighten out in the trunk. Though I can’t feel it yet, baby is moving those little arms, legs, and (now only slightly) webbed fingers and toes like crazy (according to Thebump.com). According to my phone’s Health & Parenting Pregnancy app, this is the week that my baby’s primary reproductive organs will become testes or ovaries. Some other visual distinctions are becoming apparent. Now my baby’s face has an upper lid, eyelids and tip of his/her nose. A tiny tongue is growing inside the small mouth. The little fingers and toes that I wil be counting at birth have begun to form too. Apparently, it may be time to think about maternity cloths, as my baby is only the size of a raspberry, but my uterus is the size of an orange.

How far along? 8 weeks, 2 days

Total weight gain: -2 lb

Maternity clothes? No (but I did indulge myself and wear my maternity leggings the other day. So much more comfortable! I’m to the point that I would prefer to leave my pants unbuttoned.)

Stretch marks?  No

Sleep: Exhausted all of the time. Feel as though I’ve been drugged. After teaching, I spend most of the evening (including dinner time) perched in bed with pillows and Netflix.

Best moments this week: (1) Seeing the Baby’s heartbeat of 148 bpm on Thursday at 7 weeks, 6 days pregnant (the baby measured approximately .47 inches at that point, so just a little bit on the small side). (2) Receiving the sweetest gifts of baby shampoo and several gift cards from my middle school girls. They are all so incredible! (3) Arriving home to find a bag of Goldfish on my bed after I told my husband that I didn’t think I could handle smelling/eating any of his “brain food” salmon. IMG_1197

Miss Anything? Energy. Appreciation for vegetables and protein (haven’t been able to stomach much of those lately). Desire to exercise (I’m seriously considering putting my gym membership on hold).

Movement:  Unless all of the bloating/gas counts, no… (Sorry…TMI)

Food cravings:  Changes about every 24-48 hours. Maccaroni and cheese. Spent quite a bit of the week eating Saltine crackers topped with peanut butter. Cooked a pot of homemade chicken and wild rice soup that I’ve been devouring. Yum.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Life in general. Being awake. Coffee. Most sweets. Vegetables. Most meat/fish. Anything rich.

Labor Signs:  No, thank you.

Symptoms:  Nausea. Exhaustion. Dizziness. Extreme hunger. Strong food aversions.

Belly Button in or out?  In.

Looking forward to:  Watching my belly grow AND a friend’s wedding in a couple of weeks that will require a road trip with friends 🙂 Yippee! Oh, and the promise that sometime in the next couple of weeks I will get to stop the hormonal supplementation that I’ve been on. I have a daily injection of progesterone that I’m dying to quit due to the 1.5 inch needle directed each evening at my hip. Apparently, the placenta will take over adequate progesterone production sometime between week 8 and week 12 of pregnancy.

Next appointment:  September 17th. My first appointment with the group of midwives that I’ve chosen for this pregnancy. I’m a bit nervous! IMG_1212IMG_1210

If you missed last week’s update, then click below to read and see 7 week update/photos.

7 Weeks Pregnant

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