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One would think that after the past years of struggle, I would now find myself surrendered to God’s will. One would imagine that after 14 positive pregnancy tests, I would finally say “Yes, Lord” and rejoice in His clear provision.

One would be wrong. At least about this daughter of Sarah.

Along with the leg cramps and constant bathroom needs, worry has kept me awake at night these past many weeks. Ironically, I’ve not been particularly worried about miscarriage this time. I guess the severe morning sickness has been a constant reminder that Baby is woven into the very core of my being.

No, I’ve worried about what we’ll do after baby. How will we live on my Christian school salary? How will we pay for daycare? What if David doesn’t get an internship next summer, and I have to work full-time? Will I miss my child’s first year? Will I be too tired to care?

These questions whir and spin around in glee, stealing my peace. This daughter of Sarah has been doubting God.

I think back to that Biblical heroine and groan at our similarities. God promised Abraham a son, and Sarah couldn’t make the dots connect God’s way. So, like all enterprising wives, she schemed and did the “unselfish” thing, offering Abraham a go at her handmaiden. When that wily plan actually worked, Sarah stewed in the consequences, and eventually banishes her stepson to the desert. Then, an angelic visitation personally heralds a child soon-to-be-conceived. What does Sarah do? Laugh. I can imagine her now. Laughing on the outside, but weeping on the inside, as she mourns the seeming impossibility of God’s Word.

I’ve been Sarah one too many times, and I want to change. I don’t want to worry about each upcoming month so that I miss these very present moments. 

This week I found myself in a situation where (not of my own doing) I was listening to a song with a fairly large group of people – nearly my entire campus staff. The same song that I listened to over and over again after one of my first miscarriages. Listened to over and over again as I laid on the floor of the bathroom, bleeding and weeping. “Below My Feet” by Mumford & Sons. A song that spoke of my past brokenness.

And I wept.

In the staff meeting. At 7:30 in the morning. 

The ugly crying that springs up from deep, hidden places of the soul. 

It didn’t matter that I was one day away from the 12 week mark of pregnancy. No, what mattered were the scars being ripped open again. The memories of that pain. Of that grief. Of once again melting into the arms of my Savior and saying “No.” Of wanting each baby I lost.

Listen to these words, and think about your own battle to surrender….

“Below My Feet”

You were cold as the blood through your bones
And the light which led us from our chosen homes
Well I was lostAnd now I sleep
Sleep the hours and that I can’t weep
When all I knew was steeped in blackened holes
I was lost
Keep the earth below my feet
For all my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learnAnd I was still
I was under your spell
When I was told by Jesus all was well
So all must be wellJust give me time
You know your desires and mine
So wrap my flesh in ivy and in twine
For I must be well

Keep the earth below my feet
For all my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Oh keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Oh keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

Keep the earth below my feet
For all my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

About the time the lyrics sang “I was told by Jesus all was well” I would lose it again. Weep like I my heart was being ripped out. I don’t think I made it past the first line or two this week before the tears began to pour and I sobbed.
Sobbed the cry of one who has fought surrender with every part of her soul. Sobbed the cry of men and women around the world and throughout history who don’t understand why a loss of a child or a sickness or a financial situation are part of God’s plan.
Sobbed the cry of one who is not even close to permanent surrender.
I want our finances to make sense.
I want to be a stay-at-home mom. 
I know that isn’t an immediate possibility.
I want God to tell me how we are going to pay our bills and cherish a baby. 
And, I’m afraid to complain about a circumstance that I’ve longed for over the past many years. This gift of a baby has been prayed for and sought after. Now, I need to trust that God will provide for the gift that He has given.
But, I don’t. Not yet. Not completely.
But, I want to. I want to leave Sarah’s example in the past and embrace the faith of Ruth and Esther and Elizabeth and Sarah. I want to embrace the faith that I know God has made available for me. Today.
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