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Today, Abby is 18 weeks old. Today she is about as long as a sweet potato and weighs nearly seven ounces. Today she is practicing breathing…practicing stretching…practicing grasping with her little perfect hands.

Today, though, I can’t write a normal update. I can’t post photos of adorable pink baby shoes or an ever-growing bump. I can’t really even think straight.

I can pray, though. And, cry. And, worship. Worship a God who is perfecting and knitting together this little one. Whether or not the upcoming days reveal the news that I desire.

Today, in the whirlwind of an already crazy teaching day, I received a call that Abby has tested positive on the blood screening test for Spina Bifida. (Ironically, it is the only screening test that we agreed to have performed.) As the midwife’s voice delivered the news, my world briefly stopped…careened…before finally righting itself again.

My God is still on the throne, and I still trust. 

And, I am so in love with this baby. No matter what.

Numb, I wrote down the phone number of the high-risk specialist we have been referred to and then texted David. Not until I had a brief break in my teaching schedule 30 minutes later and heard his voice on the phone did the news really hit. Then, I cried. And fell even more in love with my husband, as he cried with me.

Honestly, the statistics are on our side. This test is known for giving quite a few false positives, as it is very sensitive. Still, I didn’t want to be one of those positives. Even now, I would like to will away the news.

As I was on the phone with the specialist’s office, a cancellation opened a 1:45 p.m. appointment for me this Monday for a Level II ultrasound. It was truly a miracle, and I am so grateful that I won’t have to wait several weeks for another update. I have faith, but honestly I don’t have that much faith right now. This ultrasound may not completely confirm one way or the other, but it should be able to give us a much better idea of what we are facing. We are praying for a definitive negative, but I will take any encouragement on Monday that the doctors can offer.

Either way, I’m praying for a miracle. This baby’s middle name, Nichelle, does mean “victory” and “like God,” after all. I didn’t realize how soon she would need to live up to those promises.

Please join us in praying. Praying for health. Praying for healing. Praying for trust and calm.