, , , , ,

A week or so ago, I wrote down some goals for 2015. Things like “run a 10K or half marathon,” “make more time to personally relax,” and “get back into cooking healthy meals.” All good goals. All worthwhile. All legitimate desires. None, though, that truly echo how I want 2015 to be characterized.

I want to love more this year.

I want to pursue healthy relationships and a healthy lifestyle.

I want to flourish as a wife, mom, and doula.

I want to exude joy.

If I happen to run a 10K while I’m at it, then all the better. But, when it is all said and done, I more desire my emotional and spiritual heart to stand firmer in the knowledge of who I am and who I am called to be.

I want to love lavishly.

It’s not about what other people think of me. It’s not about how many Pinterest projects I complete and give away. It’s about finding balance…and fulfillment…in this season.

This season of not living in my own home. This season of trying and failing and trying again as a parent. This season of helping launch a new church. A new community of mommies. A new circle.

In years past, my “mission field” was pretty clear. I was a middle school teacher for 6+ years and lavishly loved the hundreds of students who sat in my classroom. By the end of the day, I was empty. Hugged out. Loved out. Poured out. But, ready to do it again the next morning.

Now, I’m just tired. Plain and simple. I’m a mommy. And it is easy to feel one’s world and circle of influence shrinking. My introverted side is quite content, but…still…I feel something missing.

I’m pretty sure the missing element is sacrificial love. Love that goes beyond waking up multiple times at night to nurse a hungry baby. Love that makes meals for people in need and writes notes to brighten others’ days. I’m missing the side of myself that looks at the world through the eyes of someone who asks, “What can I do to bring joy to others?”

Selfless love. Passionate love. Hard love.

The kind of love that radically changes situations. The kind of love that keeps on forgiving and hoping. The kind of love that doesn’t give up.

I’ve been in a season of creating boundaries. But, I think I’ve also created walls. I’ve hurt too much and been betrayed too deeply in recent months and years to desire to make myself vulnerable again. People that I had grown to deeply respect didn’t protect me. Friendships that I had relied on through many challenging times fell apart. And, at the end of the day, I was just too tired to even remember to whom I wanted to text: “I love you.”

So, for 2015, I’m rethinking my goals. Reconsidering my priorities. Pondering how I want to characterize my pursuits. Like a moth to a candle, I’m drawn over and over again to love. Hard love. Uncomfortable love. Transforming love.

So, for 2015…

~May love for my Savior blossom into a relationship of grace that fuels my days and refreshes my heart

~May love for my family inspire me to live “present” in the moment, laugh often, forgive daily, encourage healthy habits, and humbly admit my own failings

~May love for myself allow me to prioritize personal “away” time to reflect and renew my physical and emotional body

~May love for others compel me to love sacrificially and lavishly

~May I awake each day to grace and thanksgiving IMG_4014


What are your goals for 2015? Leave me a comment and let me know how you want 2015 to be characterized.