My Miracle {On the Eve of Having Not Enough}

Micah laid in front of me on the bed, feet kicking, fists clenched, crying. I sobbed too. Waiting for my milk to letdown. Waiting for the tingle to know that Micah wouldn’t have to work very hard to latch and drink. Despite several tongue and lip tie procedures, his latch has never been good. He tires easily. Nurses often. Has often returned to a pattern of eating every 2 hours even through the night. And while his head and height measurements remain steady and strong, his weight constantly teeters on the dangerously low.


Perhaps my blog has remained silent because I didn’t want to put these struggles into words…


After too many tears had been shed, I spent all of Saturday giving Micah my precious pumped small supply of milk by bottle while simultaneously…endlessly…trying to pump more. My crying continued.


Ever since returning to work in February after maternity leave ended, I dubbed the first day of the weekend “Crying Saturday.” It all hits. The exhaustion. The messy house. The laundry that barely gets washed. The constant need for even more groceries. And now this. The challenge of feeding a long and lean baby in the 4th percentile when I can’t be for sure on any given day if my milk supply will be up for the challenge. 


Tomorrow, Micah will officially be four months old. He is waking up to the world around him in an entirely new way. Rolling himself into positions that leave him upset with himself and fussing for rescue. Cooing when it is just the two of us. Grinning with that one dimple. He has my heart. My precious boy. And, I have chosen to feed him no matter what it takes. Nursing. Pumping. Breast milk. Formula. Gifted donor milk. To him, it is all nutrition. And for me – just that simple permission to divert from exclusive breast milk if needed – is grace. It is a gift. A gift that I have given other mamas with words of affirmation, but never extended to myself.

And, with that decision, have come miracles. First, in the form of 60 bottles worth of formula in my pantry. (For those interested, after quite a bit of research, I ordered Pure Bliss off of Amazon. It is made in Europe, sold by Similac, and – most importantly – from grassfed dairy.) Then, a traveling doula offered to bring me all of the milk she was pumping while traveling before boarding a plane to go back home. She estimated that she would have 50 ounces. She brought me 100 ounces. And, despite having the flu this week, my own milk supply has been sufficient each day so far.

All miracles. The formula. The incredible gift of milk. The opportunity to nurse and pump for Micah myself this week.  

Thank you to the mamas that have reached out. Thank you, Jesus, for grace. Thank you that I live in a world of plenty where I have options. These are all gifts.


So, Micah, on the eve of your four month birthday, know that your mama loves you so very much. She would do anything to help you thrive. She also knows that you and your sister and your daddy need a happy mama. A mama who can see beyond the next pumping session. Beyond the bottles of milk in the fridge. Beyond a number to a family. That craves laughter and joy and fun. Welcome, Sweet Boy, to the world of grace and to seasons of finding the balance between expectations and reality. IMG_0160IMG_0161.JPG

6 thoughts on “My Miracle {On the Eve of Having Not Enough}

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  1. Lauren dear, I am SO proud of your decision!! I had recently read a heartbreaking story about a mother Who ultimately realized that had she given her son just one bottle of formula he might still be alive. Sometimes we put way too much inappropriate pressure on ourselves and set such unrealistic standards that we don’t see how those lofty standards are causing more harm than good. But you did😊!! Bless your heart dear one!! I love you 💖

  2. What a handsome boy ❤ Not sure if you remember but I was unable to exclusively BF (or pump) and was so thankful that I was never shamed for going to formula… at least to my face. Feeding your baby is what matters and you are amazing and have incredible people in your life to help you with that. Donor milk? That's awesome! Pumped milk? You get it girl! Formula? Completely great! So much love being sent your way. We struggle so much to have these amazing children in our lives, how they eat shouldn't keep us down. They are finally in our lives and making sure they thrive, however possible, is what our job is now. xoxo

  3. I’m sorry you’re struggling through this, but fed is best! Always. Be kind to yourself. You have been trying so hard and it’s a great testament to how loved Micah is. And don’t be afraid to look for more donor milk, if you feel comfortable with it. Human Milk 4 Human Babies has a Facebook page for just about every state (I think). I have found families in need to donate to through them multiple times. Whatever you decide to do, rest assured that WE see what an amazing mama you are and Micah feels your love. You’re doing a great job, friend!

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